The End of 2010

2010 proved to be a very interesting one for me. Ups, downs, and some in between. Of course, the biggest story in my 2010 would have to be the move to the new house. This time last year, it had not even been discussed yet. But it has proven to be a very good thing for our family and we are very happy here. The kids have settled in very well. Making friends, getting invites to birthday parties, doing well in school. Keith's business has really taken off, I'm so proud of him. But with great success, comes lots of long days. Although I don't complain, that would be my only complaint.
As for me, I seem to be at an interesting point. Kids are not as needy of my attention and time these days. So I am left with countless hours of..."what do I do now?" moments. People seem to have a variety of ideas of what I could/should do with my time...crafts, cleaning, working out, naps, reading... but none of these suggestions seem to really jump out and grab me. I'm thinking of doing an inner self inventory now that 2011 is sneaking up on me. Yes there is the usual goal of loosing some weight. I'm sure I've said that for the past 4-5 New Years. This time though, I'm thinking it might be different. I continue to see interviews on different tv shows (yes I know - not where I should be searching when lost) where I keep hearing people (mostly women) saying that women need to take care of themselves...that if they are not at their best, who will take care of of those that we do? It has been a very long time since I made me a priority. Even when the children are at school and I am alone, I'm never doing anything that is for me or benefits me. I have a huge problem with self guilt...but yet, when I think it over, I really have nothing to be guilty about. The house is clean. The meals are made. Their needs are all met. So, what is so wrong with giving myself some attention when they are off doing their thing? What is it that makes me feel that I'm not deserving of just something that I want to do? It is very easy to get lost in all of that. Sometimes I cant even answer a question when I'm asked 'what would YOU like to eat?' or 'what movie would YOU like to watch?'....it's not like those questions are hard, but when you haven't really thought about what YOU want in such a long time, the answer is hard. "I don't know" or "I don't care" seem to be frequent answers from me. Or, which is probably the worst thing, is that I don't take that opportunity and actually answer with what I want....I just go along with whatever the other person wants to do/watch because it's easier to just tag along than it is to actually ponder on what I want.
I think I may actually be afraid of being alone....not like terrified that something terrible is going to happen or hiding under the bed every afternoon while the children are at school. But when I am alone, really there are a thousand things that I could do. But for the most part, I am watching tv or just anything that is mindless and just gets me through the time that I am alone. What a waste! I think of the places I could go...not shopping and spending money every day but just go and see and walk around...go outside in my own property....sit in the quiet house and read or write or something.. but I CHOOSE none of that. I think it's time for some changes.
I have a wonderful husband, fabulous children, a gorgeous home and I need to find me. The me that I and the people around me deserve. Big goal...probably. But one that is well worth it.
Have a happy & healthy 2011!

1 Week.........

One week from now, the house will be full of noise, opened gifts, paper & boxes scattered everywhere...and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's amazing how much a person can get done in a week. Last week at this time, I had no christmas shopping done...now it's all done, just the wrapping left. Which is the fun part for me as I'm completely neurotic about it. Several different wrapping paper choices, coordinating bows and ribbons...beautiful tags.... it's all about the packaging for me.
Kids are now out of school for the break. A collective sigh of relief was taken when they got home yesterday. We love the breaks....no getting up early, bed times are tossed out the window, and snuggled up in the house is always good.
While I was out one day this week getting the last of my shopping done, I was asked by a cashier in a store how many children I had.... so when I told her of the 8, the other cashier working with the lady helping me, made a comment about how 'crazy & expensive' that must be. I began to say to her that it is both of those at times but that Keith and I cant imagine it any other way. Then the lady helping me, with a lump in her throat said, "Oh how lucky you are". I could tell that she must have a story of great sadness for her to get so choked up just by hearing about my big family....but as it was not the time for her to bare her soul, I simply replied, "yes I am". She smiled and wished me a Merry Christmas and I wished her one as well. Now 2 days have passed since this happened, and I'm still thinking about her and what she said. It's definitely helped me to remember that despite all the noise, chaos & moments of frustration....I truly am lucky and I'm definitely clinging to it all, because as life goes on, at some point the noise will quiet and the chaos will calm....and rest assured, I will miss it all.

Oh the Joy.......

How does one effectively get Christmas shopping done when you have 8 children? There are spreadsheets involved, several trips out and (now that we have them ranging in age from 15 - 4) multiple locations. Oh the days where I could just go to Walmart and shop for all of them...those days are long gone. I normally try and get it done fairly early, however at this moment, I'm probably 3/4 done - none of it wrapped. It's been a bit easier this year as in past years the shopping was a covert operation of me sneaking out 3-4 nights after K got home to be with the kids. I was not a fan of the night time shopping as that is when a million other people are out shopping. However, as I was in the mall yesterday afternoon, it was quiet, there was lots of great parking and no lines. Yay me!
So, as most of the small kids gifts came from the large 'one stop shop' locations...the teenagers gifts required me going to the malls. I dont do malls very often - so it was an experience...but at the end of the day, very productive & actually a little fun. Knowing that we were able to find the gifts that they asked for and even a few that they didn't but they will LOVE will make it all worth it.
I'm definitely more of a giver than a receiver. I send Christmas cards to everyone I know & have an address for. I give gifts to all the teachers, bus driver and anyone else who is involved in the raising & educating of my children. And the more I shop & wrap....the happier I get. I guess that is one of the places that I find my Christmas spirit. Where do you find yours?

Well Here's Something New.....

Interestingly enough, I'm not overly upset of Zachary's diagnosis today. In October, I took him to our family doctor as something was 'off' with Mr. Z. Now that we have the Epilepsy is under control...and there hasn't been a change in med's for a year...so we couldn't blame that - but something was definitely up with Mr Z. I took the list of things that I starting noticing with Zachary and also things that were happening at school and went to the doctor. Her conclusion was either Autism and/or ADD. He had a few that fit both conditions, so off to a specialist we went. Which is where we were this morning.
After an hour long appointment of the doctor asking me a few questions and then asking Zachary many questions and watching him perform certain tasks, Autism was ruled out. A huge sigh of relief. However, ADHD he does have. Not certain that ADHD is going to be any easier, but in my mind, it is.
Obviously, after taking my HUGE sigh of relief, my next question was "now what?". Basically, because he's not a 'severe' case and kindergarten is considered early for an ADHD diagnosis as it's hard to distinguish between regular 5 year old boy 'rowdy' behavior and the signs/symptoms of ADHD. So, for now I need to educate myself. The doctor provided some great books, websites and there are even some support groups in Calgary - I'm thinking of checking them out. I and Zachary's teacher have both been given some homework....completing a survey/report about Zachary to better determine how the ADHD is impacting his life, both at home and at school. Then, basically we wait and see. If things get worse....we contact the doctor. If not, I take my newly found education and basically work with Zachary. Then, we'll revisit next year just for a follow up.
It's never a good thing when there is something wrong with your child, no matter the severity. That being said, I'm glad that autism is off the table. ADHD here we come!

I'm Sorry Did My Back Hurt Your Knife?

I wonder if it makes me weak for continuing to let people (the same people) stab me in the back or if it just makes them very mean.

Clearly you want me to know, or you wouldn't post things on a public website.

It would be so easy for you to just do what you do and I would never know. So, by you wanting me to know, that makes you even worse.

I'm so glad that I'm not mean. I wonder how you sleep at night? The fakeness...the two faced way you live your lives. Sad.

I'm keeping my power. I'm done with caring. Hope you'll be happy.

I'm grateful for a strong husband that holds me up when others try and knock me down....and that he's able to yank that knife out of my back that those same people continue to stab me with.

I wont let it happen again. Shame on me for letting it happen as often as it has.

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas Tree....O Christmas Tree..... ok, here's the story! When we moved out of the old house, our old tree smelled like cat pee....YUCKY! So, a new tree was needed. My husband is a very organized shopper - so around the 3rd week in November (knowing that I was going to get the Christmas decorating itch), a new 9 1/2' tree arrived in my home. I opened up the totes of christmas decorations, only to realize that I was quite bored with the decorations. Most of them Keith had had before I came along and quite a few had gotten broke so we had this dis-organized pile of Christmas stuff...this will not do for me on my new tree in my new house ( I know I know). So I got rid of all the 'crap' (yes it's a Christmas season word) and kept only the things that the kids had made or that people had made and given to us. Needless to say, the 9 1/2' tree looked a little naked.
So, finally today, I got my act together and went to Walmart and bought brand new decorations. It's all color themed and has to match (yes, again, I know). Got it home.....oh wait, back up....the decorations from previous years that we kept, I let the kids put on the tree last week...so now I come home today with new decorations and should have just put them up...oh no! I undecorated the 'creative' decorating job my children had done and re-did the whole tree. Good grief! Yes, I know I have my issues, but my tree looks pretty damn good!