2010 proved to be a very interesting one for me. Ups, downs, and some in between. Of course, the biggest story in my 2010 would have to be the move to the new house. This time last year, it had not even been discussed yet. But it has proven to be a very good thing for our family and we are very happy here. The kids have settled in very well. Making friends, getting invites to birthday parties, doing well in school. Keith's business has really taken off, I'm so proud of him. But with great success, comes lots of long days. Although I don't complain, that would be my only complaint.
As for me, I seem to be at an interesting point. Kids are not as needy of my attention and time these days. So I am left with countless hours of..."what do I do now?" moments. People seem to have a variety of ideas of what I could/should do with my time...crafts, cleaning, working out, naps, reading... but none of these suggestions seem to really jump out and grab me. I'm thinking of doing an inner self inventory now that 2011 is sneaking up on me. Yes there is the usual goal of loosing some weight. I'm sure I've said that for the past 4-5 New Years. This time though, I'm thinking it might be different. I continue to see interviews on different tv shows (yes I know - not where I should be searching when lost) where I keep hearing people (mostly women) saying that women need to take care of themselves...that if they are not at their best, who will take care of of those that we do? It has been a very long time since I made me a priority. Even when the children are at school and I am alone, I'm never doing anything that is for me or benefits me. I have a huge problem with self guilt...but yet, when I think it over, I really have nothing to be guilty about. The house is clean. The meals are made. Their needs are all met. So, what is so wrong with giving myself some attention when they are off doing their thing? What is it that makes me feel that I'm not deserving of just something that I want to do? It is very easy to get lost in all of that. Sometimes I cant even answer a question when I'm asked 'what would YOU like to eat?' or 'what movie would YOU like to watch?'....it's not like those questions are hard, but when you haven't really thought about what YOU want in such a long time, the answer is hard. "I don't know" or "I don't care" seem to be frequent answers from me. Or, which is probably the worst thing, is that I don't take that opportunity and actually answer with what I want....I just go along with whatever the other person wants to do/watch because it's easier to just tag along than it is to actually ponder on what I want.
I think I may actually be afraid of being alone....not like terrified that something terrible is going to happen or hiding under the bed every afternoon while the children are at school. But when I am alone, really there are a thousand things that I could do. But for the most part, I am watching tv or just anything that is mindless and just gets me through the time that I am alone. What a waste! I think of the places I could go...not shopping and spending money every day but just go and see and walk around...go outside in my own property....sit in the quiet house and read or write or something.. but I CHOOSE none of that. I think it's time for some changes.
I have a wonderful husband, fabulous children, a gorgeous home and I need to find me. The me that I and the people around me deserve. Big goal...probably. But one that is well worth it.
Have a happy & healthy 2011!
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